I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
two words: eviction party
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
