glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
