I'm so fucking centered right now
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
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Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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