I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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