Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
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dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
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Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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