i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
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She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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