you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
