dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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