If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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