Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize