The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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