hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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