you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
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I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
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