You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize