I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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