Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
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Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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