i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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