all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
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He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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