was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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