Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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