Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
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i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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