so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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