if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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