i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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