Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
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so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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