turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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