just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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