Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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