I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
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I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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