I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
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I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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