This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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