Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
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Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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