Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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