Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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