I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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