dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize