I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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