Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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