Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
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If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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