I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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