Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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