I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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