i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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