capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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