if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
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Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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