Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My life is pants optional.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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