True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize