I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
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What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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