Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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