I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
